


Burn

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lung Cancer, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:07:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27214645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Brock's world is shattered when Jose is diagnosed with cancer.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Kudos: 6





	1. The Diagnosis

It started with a small cough here and there. Jose wasn't worried about it, maybe it was just allergies. Months passed and it had gotten far more severe.

"You don't sound too good babe," Brock said as he rubbed Jose's back as he coughed.

"I'm fine, really." Brock gave Jose a concerned look and bit his lip.

"You should really see a doctor." Jose shook his head.

"If it gets worse I will." Brock hesitantly nodded. He was worried about his lover; he was losing weight quickly and he was always so, so tired. 

"I don't feel too good, I'm gonna take a nap," Jose said and went upstairs. When he got to the top he collapsed, and Brock ran up there.

"Jose?!" He shook him, trying to get him to wake up as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Brock called 911 and they got there almost immediately. The EMT's carried him downstairs and put him in the ambulance and Brock hopped in, holding his unconscious boyfriend's hand.

-

Jose woke up in the hospital with Brock by his side.

"W-what happened?" Jose asked.

"You passed out at home." Jose coughed into his elbow and blood sprayed out. He looked at it with wide eyes and Brock got a nurse.

"Let me get the doctor, this isn't good." The nurse left and Jose's heart raced. Soon after, the doctor came into the room.

"Hi Mr. Cancel, how are you feeling?"

"Not good at all, my chest really hurts." The doctor nodded.

"We're going to run some tests and find out what's going on." Jose hesitantly nodded. Jose was wheeled out of the room and ten tests later, he was brought back.

"You're gonna have to stay here until we get the results back." Tears pricked at Jose's eyes. What was happening to him?

-

A day later, Jose was free to go home. The results were in, but nobody told him what was going on.

"What's wrong with me?" Jose asked in a panic.

"We set up an appointment for you tomorrow to come in." Brock stood up and clenched his fists.

"Why can't you tell us now?!" His voice was loud and Jose flinched.

"The news is... grim. We want to make sure you're prepared." Brock sat back down, defeated. What the hell did he mean by grim? Jose was released from the hospital a few hours later and they went home. Brock made Jose some mac n cheese but Jose pushed the bowl away.

"I'm not hungry." 

"Come on Jose, you're a skeleton." Jose bit his lip and looked down.

"I'm not hungry." His voice was quiet but powerful. Brock sighed and took the bowl.

"I'm gonna go to sleep." Jose tried to stand up, but he couldn't. He let out a sob and Brock helped him up. Brock walked him up to the bedroom and laid him down in bed. Jose fell asleep quickly and Brock sat next to him, stroking his hair and running his fingers along his arm.

-

"Jose, baby, time to wake up." Jose had slept for sixteen hours and he woke up even more fatigued than he was before he fell asleep.

"We have to go to the doctor's, come on honey." Jose groaned and hid his face in the pillow.

"Don't wanna go, I'm tired." Brock sighed and pulled at his arm.

"Jose, we need to go." Jose groaned again and Brock huffed out a breath. He grabbed Jose and lifted him up, much to Jose's dismay.

"I'll help you get ready." Jose nodded, scowling. Brock laid out an outfit for Jose and grabbed his shoes as Jose washed his face and brushed his teeth. Jose put on his clothes and shoes and they went downstairs and Brock helped him get in the car. Jose looked out of the window as Brock drove, terrified of what he was gonna hear. When they got to the doctor's office, they were quickly called in and they sat down in the uncomfortable chairs.

"I'm sure you're both very anxious to hear what's going on." They both nodded.

"Mr. Cancel... I'm so sorry to inform you that you have stage four lung cancer." Time moved in slow motion. Brock felt like his heart was being torn apart.

"What?" The doctor looked at his notes then back at Jose.

"You have three months to live. We're gonna start chemotherapy right away to help prolong your life." Jose covered his mouth with his hand and let out a loud sob. He and Brock were absolutely speechless. The love of Brock's life only had a few months to live? He couldn't believe it. The doctor gave them dates for when Jose could come in for chemo and after that they left. Jose was silent the whole drive home and when they got home, he broke down crying.

"I'm gonna miss you so much Brock." Brock's bottom lip quivered and tears rolled down his cheeks.

"We're gonna get through this. You're gonna live." Jose shook his head.

"I'm gonna die." His voice was meek and quiet and it broke Brock's heart. He pulled Jose into a tight hug as he balled, and Brock had never felt so broken in his entire life.


	2. Struggling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jose and Brock try to make the most of the day after having a few challenging ones.

Brock and Jose were at the hospital on a sunny Monday morning. An IV was in Jose's arm; he was getting his first round of chemotherapy. He was holding Brock's hand with a death grip, terrified of what was happening. Jose felt like he was gonna be sick; the chemicals getting pumped into his body wasn't making him feel that great. An hour later, a nurse came over and removed the IV.

"You're all set! How was that?" Jose looked down.

"Horrible." The nurse frowned and put her hand on his shoulder.

"It's helping you, it'll get easier." Jose nodded and they got up and left. They got in Brock's car and drove home, and Jose fell asleep on the way. 

"Jose? We're home sweetie." Jose stirred in his sleep and curled up into a ball.

"I don't feel good." Brock bit his lip, frowning.

"I know, why don't we go inside so you can sleep?" Jose nodded and slowly got out of the car. He fell to the ground as soon he got out, legs weak and shaky. Brock gently grabbed him and helped him up, and carried him inside and over to the couch.

"Do you want an Ensure?" Jose nodded and Brock grabbed the drink. He opened it and helped Jose drink it, and right after he took a sip he threw up.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Jose said as he wiped off his mouth.

"No worries, you're okay." Brock cleaned it up and sat down next to Jose once he was finished. Jose lied down, resting his head in Brock's lap and Brock ran his hand over Jose's thin arm. 

"You're so tiny," Brock said, tracing his fingers along Jose's prominent ribs.

"I'm sorry." Brock intertwined his fingers with Jose's and his hand was freezing cold.

"Please don't be sorry, you can't help it." Jose brought his knees up to his chest and shivered.

"Can you grab me a blanket?" Brock nodded and got up, grabbing Jose a blanket. When he came back, Jose had fallen asleep. Brock looked at him with a heavy heart; he was gonna miss him more than anything.

-

Jose and Brock were at the hospital again getting chemo and Brock looked at Jose with a concerned face. He was pale and skeletal; much different from the glowing, healthy Jose he knew. Once chemo was over, Jose got up on shaky legs and they went to the grocery store. Brock had to hold Jose the whole time as they shopped; he was to weak to walk on his own. 

"You know what," Brock started.

"Let's get you a wheelchair the next time we go in for chemo." Jose stayed silent.

"Why, because I'm too much of a burden on you?" Brock looked at Jose.

"What? No of course not, I just want you to get around more comfortably." Jose nodded.

"I'm sorry for being like this," His voice cracked and tears were in his eyes. Brock helped him into the car and held his hand.

"It's okay, I know you're not feeling well." Jose shook his head.

"I'm so mean to you, you're gonna be so much better off when I'm gone."

"Don't you ever say that, you know that's not true." Jose sucked in his lower lip as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"Okay." They drove home and Jose changed into pajamas and got into bed. When he was changing, Brock couldn't help but look; his ribs jutted out and his hip bones were prominent. His thighs were nowhere near touching and his collar bones were painfully sharp.

"Going to sleep until tomorrow?" Jose nodded and Brock tucked him in, kissing his forehead in the process. It was three in the afternoon; all Jose did was sleep mostly and Brock missed hanging out with him all the time. 

"Call me if you need me okay?" Jose leaned up and softly kissed Brock with chapped lips.

"Okay." Brock smiled against his lips and held Jose's hand.

"I love you." Jose smiled.

"I love you too." Brock closed the blinds and left the door slightly open and went downstairs. He put the groceries away and got a snack and sat down on the couch. He turned on the tv quietly and started watching a cheesy romantic comedy movie. After the movie was finished, he made himself dinner and sighed as he was eating. He broke down in tears, holding his head in his hands. 

"Brock..." Brock cleared his throat and wiped his tears away and went upstairs.

"What's going on baby?" Jose sat up and there was a chunk of hair on his pillow.

"Oh no," Brock said and Jose ran his hand through his hair, another chunk coming out. 

"What should I do?" Brock thought for a moment.

"Do you want me to shave it all off?" Jose nodded.

"Okay, let's do that." He helped Jose up and grabbed a razor. Jose sat down on the floor of the bathroom and Brock plugged it in and turned it on. Jose let out a deep breath and Brock started shaving away. When he was finished, Jose stood up and looked at his bald head.

"I look weird." He ran his hand over his head and frowned.

"You look cute as always." Jose half smiled.

"Thanks." Jose walked back to bed but didn't lie down.

"Can I take a bath?"

"You don't wanna shower?" Jose shook his head.

"I can't stand that long." Brock felt his heart ache.

"Okay, I'll run a bath for you." He went into the bathroom and turned the faucet on, making sure it wasn't too hot. Jose took off his clothes and dipped in, and Brock grabbed body wash and a shower puff for him. 

"Jesus Jose..." Brock looked at Jose's body and he was getting thinner by the minute.

"What?" Brock shook his head.

"Nothing." Jose looked at him suspiciously but let it go. 

"Do you want me to wash you?" Jose nodded and handed Brock the soap and puff. Brock gently washed him and Jose sighed when Brock ran his hand over his dick, making Brock smirk.

"Still have it in you?" Jose giggled.

"I guess." Brock wrapped his hand around Jose's cock and slowly stroked him. Jose's breathing sped up as Brock quickened his movements, and he came with a soft moan. Brock took his hand out of the water and helped Jose stand up. 

"That was nice." Brock nodded.

"I love making you feel good." Jose blushed. Brock dried him off with a fluffy towel and helped him put on sweats and a t-shirt.

"Are you hungry?" Jose shook his head. 

"What about some soup?" 

"I said I'm not hungry." Jose snapped at Brock and Brock was taken aback. He didn't say anything as Jose climbed into bed, but Brock still made sure Jose fell asleep before leaving the room. He went downstairs again and sighed. He couldn't be mad at Jose; he was going through a tremendous amount and he had no idea what it felt like for him. Brock ended up going to bed at midnight, making sure to not wake Jose in the process. He curled up next to him, wrapping his arm around his waist and he smiled contently when Jose squeezed his hand.

-

"Good morning!" Jose cheerfully exclaimed when he woke up.

"You're in a good mood." Brock smiled and so did Jose.

"Let's do something fun today." Brock nodded.

"Sure, what do you wanna do?" Jose tapped on his chin.

"Lunch, shopping, and a movie?"

"Sounds great to me." They got out of bed and got ready for the day, and Brock made himself scrambled eggs as Jose drank an Ensure.

"I'm so happy you wanna eat." Jose nodded.

"Let's hope I don't get sick."

"We should get a wheelchair before we go anywhere though." Jose nodded with a smile.

"Okay." After breakfast, they went to the store and got a wheelchair for Jose, and he felt so much more comfortable. They went to the mall and suddenly, Jose started coughing.

"I can't breathe," He said in between coughs and Brock panicked.

"Okay, um, let me call 911." Jose nodded and Brock got out his phone. The ambulance arrived after what seemed like forever and Jose was choking and gasping as they wheeled him into the ambulance. They gave him oxygen and they sped off to the hospital.

-

"We're going to need to give you an oxygen tank." Brock and Jose nodded.

"We'll give you a wheelchair with a special place for it." A nurse came into the room and attached a nasal cannula to Jose and hooked it up to oxygen tank. He was given a special wheelchair and Brock wheeled him out of the hospital.

"I'm freezing," Jose said as he shivered.

"Why don't we get you a beanie and a blanket?" Jose nodded. They went back to the mall, going into Vans to get Jose a beanie and he put it on right after they cut the tag off.

"Can we go into Gucci? I've always wanted a pair of their sneakers." Brock nodded.

"Sure thing." They went into the designer store and got a pair of sneakers for Jose; Brock didn't mind the cost, seeing how he just wanted to make Jose happy for the little time he had left. Brock put them on for him and they left the mall.

"Can we actually go home? I don't feel good." 

"Of course, what's wrong?"

"My chest really hurts and I'm exhausted." They went back to the car and Jose started coughing up mucus and blood as soon as Brock helped him in. Jose started balling and it made Brock tear up.

"Brock," He started.

"I don't wanna die." Brock bit his lip, trying not to cry.

"You're not gonna die. You're gonna get through this." Jose cried harder and shook his head.

"I only have a month left." His voice was small and it made Brock burst out into tears.

"I love you Jose. Don't ever forget that." Jose wiped tears out of his eyes.

"I know."


	3. Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jose goes on hospice.

Jose stayed in bed for the following week. According to the doctor, he only had two weeks left to live and it was really getting to him. Brock found Jose sat on the couch one day writing something.

"What are you writing?" He sat down next to him and looked at the tear stained paper.

"My will. I want everything to go to you." Brock bit his lip.

"We won't have to worry about that for a long time." Jose set the pen down and looked at Brock.

"Just stop okay? I'm gonna die soon and you know it." Brock wrapped his arms around Jose and Jose held his head in his hands.

"I can't leave you Brock, I can't," Jose meekly said in between sobs. Brock hugged him more tightly and rocked back and forth.

"We'll be together again someday." Jose cried harder at Brock's words.

"But I don't want someday, I want now. You're the fucking love of my life and losing you is worse than anything I can imagine." Brock felt tears coming to his eyes and his chest tightened.

"I love you so much Jose. More than you can even know."

-

Thirteen days. Just thirteen days and Jose would be gone, forever. Brock would never see those bright eyes and that beautiful smile ever again. Their days were being wasted with Jose sleeping all the time and Brock needed to do something to fix it.

"Jose? I made you some breakfast." Jose slowly sat up and Brock handed him a plate filled with pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. Jose half smiled at the gesture but he wasn't hungry at all.

"Thank you." He ate everything nevertheless, but immediately threw up as he took the last bite. Brock cleaned up the vomit on their bed and Jose looked down at his hands.

"I'm not feeling well." The little color he had left drained from his face and Brock could tell something was seriously wrong.

"Shit okay, I'll take you to the hospital." Brock quickly finished cleaning and he carried Jose downstairs and put him in his wheel chair. He was coughing up a lung, blood getting all over his shirt. Brock sped off to the hospital and Jose was quickly taken in. Jose was terrified, was this it? Jose was rushed into a room and nurses shoved an IV into his arm as they shoved hooked up his oxygen tank.

"Brock," Jose called out weakly and Brock held his bony hand. A doctor emerged and shook Brock's hand and sat down next to Jose.

"Mr. Cancel, we're going to need to put you on hospice. You're too weak to go back home." Jose groaned.

"But I wanna be with my boyfriend."

"We can make an exception and have him stay past visiting hours." Jose nodded and Brock felt somewhat relieved. At least he got to spend more time with his lover before... the inevitable.

-

Jose looked out of the hospital window, looking at the blue sky and green grass, knowing he would never go outside ever again.

"What are you thinking about baby?" Jose looked at Brock who was reading a book.

"Nothing." Brock gave him a knowing look and set the book down.

"I'm thinking about how I'll never go outside again." Brock sighed and reached out to hold Jose's hand.

"If I could take this away from you I would in a heartbeat." Jose shifted his gaze downwards.

"I don't want you to die." His voice was merely a whisper and Brock could hear the sorrow in his tone. Brock pressed his lips together and squeezed Jose's hand.

"You know what?" Jose looked up.

"What?" Brock smiled.

"I'm gonna see if I can take you out to walk around outside." Jose sighed.

"I can't walk."

"Well, wheel you around outside. How does that sound?" Jose nodded with a glimmer in his eyes. Brock left the room and asked a nurse and he went back into the room.

"Guess who's going outside?" Jose smiled and gasped.

"No way." Brock softly chuckled and a nurse came in and got Jose ready to go outside. The monitor and IV were still attached to Jose so it was a bit of struggling getting outside, but when they did it was totally worth it. It was bright and sunny, birds were chirping and the sun felt good on Jose's skin. Brock wheeled him around the grounds he sat down on a bench by a water fountain.

"Hey Brock?" Brock looked at Jose.

"What's up?"

"I'm gonna miss this. You know, just being with you." Brock's heart wrenched but he pushed out the bad thoughts and tried to make the most of their trip.

"Let me know when you're ready to go back inside." Jose nodded and they stayed there for a good half an hour before Jose spoke.

"I'm really tired, can we go back?" Brock nodded, smiling.

"Of course." They went back inside and a nurse helped Jose back into bed.

"I'm gonna grab some coffee, I'll be right back." Jose nodded and turned over onto his side, and promptly fell asleep Brock looked at him fondly and left to go to the cafeteria. He filled up a cup of coffee and when he went he went back to Jose's room, nurses and a doctor were hovered over him. He went to run inside but someone stopped him.

"You can't go in there, sir." Brock, disgruntled, pushed her out of the way. He went inside and Jose had flatlined, and everybody in there were trying to revive him back to life. 

"Don't you do this to me Jose, not yet," Brock cried out, tears stinging his eyes. Jose woke up with a gasp and the monitor showed his steady heart rate again. Jose looked around, bewildered and set his eyes on Brock.

"Brock!" Brock ran over and hugged Jose, no intention of letting him go.

-

The next few days were a struggle. Jose was constantly coughing up blood and he had a hard time breathing, and he'd lost even more weight. He looked like a skeleton, cheeks gaunt and eyes hollow, completely void of life. He was always so, so tired and he barely had enough energy to sit up. Brock was falling apart seeing his beloved boyfriend like this; it was killing him.

"Brock..." Jose called out to Brock with tears in his eyes.

"What's going on Jose?" Jose looked up at the ceiling as tears spilled down his cheeks.

"Just know how much I love you. I love you more than anyone and anything. You're the love of my life, my soulmate, you're my everything. Please don't forget about me." Brock started crying. He couldn't believe this was the end.

"I love you Jose, so much. You're my baby, you mean the world to me. I could never forget about you." Jose half smiled and wiped his eyes. Brock stared into Jose's eyes, holding his hand as Jose fell asleep.

-

Brock fell asleep in the chair holding Jose's hand. He looked at Jose, smiling, but the smile quickly disappeared when he saw how grey Jose was. He looked at the heart monitor and it was flatlined.

"Oh no," Brock sheepishly said and stood up.

"Oh god, please don't do this," Before he knew it he was crying and he hugged Jose, clenching his teeth in an attempt not to cry out. He ran out of the room and grabbed the nurse and she called the doctor. He ran into the room too and he did CPR on Jose for a few minutes but to no avail. He looked at his watch and the nurse wrote down the time. He walked up to Brock, who was looking at Jose with wide eyes

"I'm so sorry."


	4. The Last Fatal Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brock can't move on.

Brock couldn't stand to be in his and Jose's house. Everything reminded him of his lover and he hated it, knowing his boyfriend, his best friend, his soulmate, the love of his life was gone forever. Brock grabbed one of Jose's hoodies and lied down in their bed and held it to his chest as he wailed. He couldn't fathom what was happening.

-

The day of Jose's funeral was exactly the same as when they had gone for a 'walk' at the hospital. Sunny, warm, birds chirping, perfect as Jose put it. Brock put on a black suit and drove to the church where Jose's service was held, and it was filled to the brim with family and friends. Brock sat in the front row and almost felt sick when he saw Jose's open faced casket. The priest went on and on for what seemed like forever but Brock heard nothing. All he could focus on was the beautiful photo of Jose smiling beside his casket. Brock had taken that picture two years ago on the beach, and he'd never seen Jose with such life in his eyes.

When it was time for the viewing, Brock stood up on shaky legs and was the first one to walk up to the alter. He took a deep breath and walked up to Jose's body and struggled to hold back tears when he saw him. He was wearing a nice suit and, thanks to the esthetician, he was tan and glowing again. Brock remembered in his final days how pale and grey he was, a stark contrast from today. 

"I love you Jose." Brock all but whispered and went back to the pew and waited for everyone to finish looking at his boyfriend's body.

-

After the service came the burial. They went to a cemetery and to a tombstone with the words 'Friend, Son, Light Of Our Lives' engraved on it. Tears fell from Brock's eyes for the umpteenth time as he laid down white roses on his casket. He was lowered into the ground and in that moment, Brock felt truly broken.

-

Brock was curled up in bed with Jose's favorite flannel shirt crying. He didn't believe, couldn't believe Jose was dead.

"He's okay now," Brock said aloud.

"He's not suffering anymore." If there was a heaven, Brock knew Jose was there. Jose was such a kind, loving, caring soul and there was no way his life could just be over after he passed away; Brock refused to think that he was just nothing now. Brock prayed to god every night that Jose wasn't in pain, that he was safe and healthy and happy wherever he was.

-

Years passed. Brock was still in shock and he hadn't come to terms with Jose's passing. He visited his grave everyday, putting fresh flowers on it and sitting down in front of it and just being. One one cloudy day, Brock came out to Jose's grave and something was off. There was a cheerful energy around it, much different from the somber and sorrowful aura which usually surrounded it.

"Brock!" An all too familiar voice called out to Brock and he whipped around. Standing there was Jose. He was healthy and glowing, just like he used to be.

"J-Jose?" Brock couldn't believe it and Jose stepped closer to him and pulled him into a hug.

"I heard your prayers. I'm okay now, I'm in heaven. Everything is gonna be okay Brock." Brock melted into Jose's arms and sobbed.

"I miss you so much baby, I love you so much." 

"I know. We'll be together someday, like you said. I love you Brock. Don't ever forget that." And just like that, Jose vanished. Brock looked around and fell to his knees, grabbing at the soft grass as he balled. Maybe, just maybe, someday would come sooner than they both thought.


	5. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brock finally gets to be with Jose.

Brock couldn't handle life without Jose anymore. He went to work and paid his bills but it was just too hard with Jose's death looming over him. For years, every night he would come home and cry until one night he didn't.

-

Instead of going to work, Brock decided to go to the hardware store to buy something. He thanked the cashier and drove home, and looked at pictures and videos of Jose when he went up to his room. Brock put on Jose's favorite hoodie and wrapped himself up in Jose's blanket and sat on the floor. He stared at the wall for some time before getting up to grab a piece of paper and a pen. He sat at the kitchen table and started writing.

'Beloved Jose,

I'll be with you soon. I can't wait to see you. Life has been hell without you. For everyone who cares about me, I'm so sorry for doing this but I can't live without the love of my life.

Goodbye.

Brock'

Brock set down the pen and put the piece of paper on the coffee table by the couch. He turned on Jose's favorite show, RuPaul's Drag Race and tried his best not to cry as he watched, having fond memories of the two of them watching it together. Before it became dark, Brock drove to the cemetery and walked over to Jose's grave. He sat down, without flowers for a first, and reached out, touching the tombstone. A single tear rolled down his cheek yet he smiled. Brock couldn't wait to get home.

-

With shaky hands, Brock opened the plastic bag from the store and pulled out a rope. He looked up a tutorial on YouTube of how to tie a simple noose, and when he finished watching, he grabbed a chair from the kitchen and went into the backyard. Brock got on the chair and tied the rope around a thick branch and tied the simple noose. He put it around his neck and took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"I'll see you soon Jose."


End file.
